CHapter 15 - Desired

 

I began meditation in 2017 and did it religiously to understand myself and connect with god. I read about Buddhism and Taoism during this period. I was not able to find god anywhere. Started listening to Gurus and spiritual teachers. Nothing in my life was improving spiritually. It was a fake sense of doing something to achieve god, and I felt no real connection. I was lonely and angry. Most speakers today rely on one particular religion, which gives them the strength to appeal to the audience for their already existing faith. I listened to some Old teachers who did not participate in a religious activity but only talked about the intellect of the human being. They were well-read people who explored themselves inwardly and found the root cause of problems and their existence. These teachers never asked the listeners to rely on themselves and think about it on their own to understand whether their statements were true. All this sent me into deeper thinking; sometimes, even without meditation, I would think and find the answers myself. I realized humans feel lonely and want someone else to love, care for, and protect them. We created many things to run away from this loneliness. One of them is god. We have created god so that we could never reach or achieve it and thus keep finding him. It gives our lives a purpose. We created a fear of god. We created punishments and rewards from god if we acted in a certain way. We made it both easy and hard for ourselves. Easy because we don’t have to think much about it, and hard because we put so many boundaries on ourselves. Now we exist in a world where we think a hundred times before doing anything.

Will it please god?

Will it annoy him?

It’s funny to think that we made God-like ourselves. He can get angry and pleased like humans. He has the same problems we have. Our emotions control our judgment. His emotions also carry him away. However, if we think deeply, every action has a deeper meaning. Nothing can be painted black ( bad) and white ( good). Instead, everything in this world is grey. We want things to be black and white so that we don’t have to use our brains to think about these things. This made me think that if ever a thing exists, which is the supreme power that controls this universe, it must be above this judgemental mentality to see right and wrong in living beings. Then came the question of its existence in the physical world. Being a science student, I read about the nature of the presence of particles in the universe. All of us are obsessed with the idea that god is omnipotent ( present everywhere).

Then what could be why we cannot see or feel him?

Some speakers said that you calm yourself down and feel his presence. I tried that and could not find him. Carl Sagan, an astrophysicist, explained different dimensions and theories on their existence in a lecture. He explained how an organism of the 2-dimensional world could not appreciate the actual shape of a 3-dimensional object.

Similarly, if we bring the 3-dimensional creatures, we cannot see a 4-dimensional object. This idea stuck with me thinking that god could be a 4D or 5D existence which explains his access to all the places and time and our inability to perceive him. Another speaker Alan Watts says that we are god. The idea of being god creates grandiosity, but in his following line, he says that the problem arises when you think only you are god. You must understand that probably everyone is a god. How funny is that?

We must worship each other, but all wars and hatred will cease if it happens. So it made me wonder how an imperfect thing like the people around me and I can be gods. But, the idea struck me. Because it helps decrease our loneliness, it automatically brings compassion and love for the people around me. I know how to worship this god. I have to do what pleases him. It means I can do everything I love without fear and refrain from doing things other gods around me don’t like.

Was it this easy?

I don’t have to think about the other person’s religion before talking to him, and probably he also won’t if he understands.

Now it was sorted for me, and I started caring for myself. Slowly I realized I don’t do it very often, and this was the cause of my misery. I don’t love myself. I didn’t like my company. But now I started enjoying it because I began to love myself as I loved God. I forgave myself and others for minor mistakes and started believing in myself. Life was not this easy before. It is still a theory, but it solves the problems. Being emotional, judgmental, 3D creatures, we cannot understand the existence of a supreme power that can govern us. How we try to understand him needs a proper understanding. I now feel his unjudgemental, loving presence inside me all the time, and I don’t have to do anything to please him, which makes me free to do what I want and love myself.

It feels like actual freedom.