Chapter 2 - Guilt

 

Only a fool is interested in other people’s guilt since he cannot alter it. The wise man learns only from his guilt - Carl Jung

Guilt is a natural human emotion that arises when we feel we have done something wrong. We have not lived up to our own or someone else’s expectations.

A little bit of guilt can be healthy and motivate us to improve our behavior in the future. However, excessive guilt can be harmful and lead to negative consequences. These can be anxiety, low self-esteem, and depression. Some causes of extreme guilt include unrealistic expectations from self or others, trauma or abuse, cultural or religious beliefs, lack of self-compassion, and perfectionism.

On looking closely, guilt is an emotion related to the past. The things one might have done in the past or have been shamed for by others. The evolution of the human mind has invented conflict. We can no longer straightly do what our heart desires like other animals. This conflict makes us feel crippled to do things we desire. Our mind creates this emotion to prevent us from doing things that might hurt others. Man must have learned a lot by hurting during this process over thousands of years. It is crucial here to understand that humans have learned to live together in evolution. We started by making tribes that have evolved into present-day society. In earlier times, being thrown away from the tribe was equivalent to death. This feeling of guilt has its ancestral relation to this feeling of being left alone and becoming prone to death.

That’s why this emotion is so vital if you start understanding that it is being used to make you do things that are acceptable to society to maintain the structure of society. To ensure that you do not break its rules apart for your desires.

It is essential to have guilt to a certain extent, and it cannot be erased from our minds completely. It can be considered reasonable to the extent of not harming anybody.

On the other extent, your guilt can be used to control you. One has to be careful about being used by others as guilt is a strong emotion, and people around you can easily manipulate you using it. The problem increases when the people using your guilt against you are the people you love.

How can people whom I love and who love me do it?

No, it’s not bullshit, and this happens in reality. The people may not know that they are doing it as they may not know the boundaries to govern your life.

Man deeply desires to control other humans, rooted in the past. Slavery, ruling over one race, wars, etc., are great examples. Man has lived through a lot of unrest due to wars. Only the last century has been known in the history of humankind, where slavery and wars have come to rest. It still exists in some minor forms where some unrest is going in the present.

Only until the last few decades has the problem of individuals become essential. It was mostly about survival till now. The last few decades have been important in history. We have worked on the interest of human rights and an individual’s feelings.

Our parents have not seen the amount of freedom and connectivity we are aware of. Suppose you talk to them about the psychological aspects and happiness. They will give you answers suggesting that it was unnecessary for them. They were busy with the family’s survival. It is a harsh reality, but they might not be able to realize it in the future also. Man can only understand through experiences. They have somehow given up on their freedom for the more significant benefit of their family, including you. They do not know the psychological boundaries and might invade your privacy and choices. That is where control begins, and happiness dies.

Now arises the question of whether they love you or not. One can easily use this statement against their near ones. This problem can only be adequately addressed if we know our perception of others. Most of the time, our brain tricks us into making our dear ones evil to get things done, which the brain desires.

One of the correct answers to this problem is time. Nobody can fake for long, and you will eventually discover whether people care about you. Even if people around you love you, using guilt as a medium to get something done is not the right thing to do.

You will have to learn the concept of boundaries. You have to set boundaries so that you can love them freely without endangering your own choices. This is a big responsibility because we have to be very sure of ourselves. A good company of friends or a good therapist may help you. Take their help to get insight into whether you are on the right path of thinking.

Remember, there is a potential of you taking their advantage by using this, and that is also not the right thing to do. I would say it is as difficult as walking on a thin thread. You have to create ultimate balance to make the right decisions. Remember that guilt is normal, but excessive guilt can be harmful. Practice self-compassion and seek support when needed.